(Extracts from)
JULIAN
AND THE HEDGEHOG IN THE SECRET SERVICE
Written by
Tommy Usborne in 1944.
(drawing on his experiences in the Ministry of Economic Warfare in World
War 2.)
Peter says I'm only a War Baby ’Cos I weren’t born before.
Mummy, why were Peter born in the Peace And why were I born in the war?
Peter says he’s been in an
aeroplane Two or three times or more.
Mummy, why could Peter fly in the Peace And why can’t I fly in the war?
Peter says he’s sailed in a sailing boat Miles and miles from the shore.
Mummy, who let Peter sail in the Peace And why can’t I sail in the war?
I don’t like being only a war baby. I don’t like being four.
Oh I wish I were six and born in the Peace. Oh why
were I born in the war?
Chapter 27The Two Beavers
Julian,
Hedgehog, Hawk, Lark and Dicker had hardly been marching for more than a
few minutes when, in the middle of their path, they saw a very curious
scene. Two Beavers, a big one and a little one were busily bending over
a grind stone which the big beaver was turning with all his might. At
first they couldn’t see what the Big Beaver was doing, but when they
came nearer they saw with some surprise that the Big Beaver was holding
the Little Beaver by the hair on his head and was pressing his nose down
upon the surface of the grind stone and grinding it for all he was worth.
The hedgehog was plainly upset by this cruelty. “Hi” he shouted, “stop grinding that
poor little fellow’s nose!”The
Big Beaver looked up with an expression of surprise and dismay on his
face. “It doesn’t hurt him” he replied in a
melancholy voice.“In
fact its good for him.” “Good for him?” exclaimed the hedgehog. “Yes” said the Big Beaver.“You see he has a very special and secret nose which is made of
a mixture of tungsten, wolfram, chrome and iron ore.This makes it extremely hard, so hard, in fact, that it will
go through anything.However
it has already gone through such a lot that we sometimes have to sharpen
it up again and that’s what we are doing now.” When the Little Beaver looked up the
Hedgehog saw that his nose had a point like a needle and glistened in
the sun.Moreover the
Little Beaver was obviously extremelyproud of it and fingered it lovingly,
testing the sharpness of the point on his thumb. “Is there anything you would like to know
about the enemy, by any chance?” asked the Big Beaver.“If so”, he continued, “I’ll gladly put the Little
Beavers nose into it”. “Thank you”, said the Hedgehog, “we
know all we want for our particular job.” “Which
is?” asked the Big Beaver.
“To
catch Hitler and Mussolini”, answered the Hedgehog.“They are sitting on a large barrage balloon here on which they
landed by parachute from an aeroplane two nights ago.” “Landed from an aeroplane!” exclaimed
the Big Beaver, “quite impossible, my dear fellow.Quite impossible, I assure you.Hitler and Mussolini couldn’t possibly be here”. “And why not?” asked the Hedgehog
indignantly. “Not enough red ink.Not enough red ink.” replied the Big Beaver.“Isn’t that so?” he added to the Little Beaver.
“Sir”, said the Little Beaver obediently.“ I am to say that I concur in that statement”. “Does that mean he agrees?” asked the Hedgehog. “Yes”, said the Big Beaver.“If he didn’t agree”, he added, “I’d grind his nose
right off”. “But what on earth has red ink got to do
with Hitler and Mussolini being on the Barrage Balloon?” asked the
Hedgehog. “Well”, said the Big Beaver, “no
aeroplane could fly Hitler and Mussolini over here without red ink,
could it?” “Since when have aeroplanes flown on
ink?” asked the Hedgehog. “For the last two years at least”,
answered the Big Beaver.“Ever
since we proved that the enemy had used up all their oil and petrol.That was so, wasn’t it?” he added to the Little Beaver. “Sir”, replied the Little Beaver, “ I
am to say that I am instructed to concur in that statement.” “You see, he agrees.” said the Big Beaver delightedly. “And how many gallons of red ink had the
enemy left two nights ago?” the Big Beaver asked the Little Beaver. Without a moments hesitation the Little
Beaver replied “Seventeen million, six hundred and seventy-five
thousand, six hundred and fifty-eight gallons”. “Exactly?” asked the Big Beaver. “Exactly” replied the Little Beaver. “ How did you calculate that?” asked
the Big Beaver. “Sir”, replied the Little Beaver, “I
am instructed to say that one source said thirty million, four hundred
and two thousand, six hundred and four gallons and another source said
four million, nine hundred and forty-eight thousand, seven hundred and
twelve gallons, and I split the difference. Thus two nights ago the
enemy clearly had no more than seventeen million, six hundred and
seventy-five thousand, six hundred and fifty-eight gallons left”. “Well”, said the Hedgehog, supposing
aeroplanes did fly on red ink, wouldn’t that be enough to bring
the Dictators here?”
“No”
replied the Big Beaver.The
enemy needs to keep seventeen million, six hundred and seventy-five
thousand, six hundred and fifty-six gallons to dye their shirts red with
so that the British Government will be nice to them after the war.” Julian knew nothing about the British
Government except that it was a severe personage who owned his gas-mask
and would be very cross if he made mud-pies in it or scribbled on the
box. “Do the Government like red shirts
then?” he asked the Hedgehog very puzzled. “Not at present”, said the Hedgehog,
“They still prefer boiled ones, but they probably will after the war,
if it doesn’t upset the Russians too much.” “Russians”, asked Julian. “Yes” said the Hedgehog “The Russians
will probably prefer their shirts to be boiled after the war and won’t
like red ones at all.” Julian had never seen a boiled shirt,
but he knew there were some in the moth cupboard. “You
see”, continued the Big Beaver, a little offended by the whispered
conversation between Julian and the Hedgehog, “the enemy have no more
than two gallons of red ink left to fly with.Quite insufficient. The Dictators can’t possibly have got here.Do you concur?” he added to the Little Beaver. “Sir”, replied the Little Beaver, “I
am instructed to say that I concur”. “You see!” said the Big Beaver
triumphantly. “Fiddlesticks” replied the Hedgehog a
little rudely.“Whatever
you may say, we saw Hitler and Mussolini on a Barrage Balloon yesterday.And that’s that.” At this the Big Beaver burst into a flood
of tears, seized the Little Beaver by the hair and continued grinding
his nose ferociously on the grind stone. The Hedgehog and his army marched on and
left them to their grinding.
Chapter 22The brave man who sat by the
button
The Hedgehog could hardly wait till the Hawk’s story was
finished in order to tell one himself. You know
that during the London Blitz a great many houses simply disappeared
overnight and it was quite a common thing for someone to arrive at his
office in the morning and find that it wasn’t there any longer, but
had become nothing but a heap of rubble. Now just
before the war some builders bought a piece of ground in one of the most
beautiful squares in London and built the most hideous building you can
possibly imagine. When the
war came it was taken as offices for about six thousand people, all of
whom were engaged on very secret and most important work. During the
Blitz a great number of bombs fell around this building, but fortunately
for the secret work, though unhappily for the beautiful square, none of
them touched it.However
some very important people began to be worried about its safety and they
made up their minds to take Most Urgent Action, which means that
Messengers with Red and Black Dispatch Cases darted about on noisy motor
bicycle in all directions. One morning
six thousand people came to the Beautiful Square to do their work as
usual, over streets covered in broken glass, they saw to their
astonishment that the Ugly Building had totally disappeared.What was most curious was that there wasn’t even a heap of
rubble left where the building had stood; in fact there was nothing
there except a large concrete tank entirely filled up with water. So the people all stood around the streets waiting for
someone to tell them what to do.Some
of them had lunch under the trees in the Beautiful Square and some just
leaned over the tank and threw stones into the water.The next day they came up again and did the same thing, but for
three days no-one told them what to do nor could anyone explain what on
earth had happened to their Ugly Building. On the fourth day a Messenger tore up on a very noisy motor
bicycle and out of a Black Dispatch Case he drew six thousand pieces of
paper, one of which he handed to each person.On it was written: “For the sake of safety from bombing your
building has been removed to Wales.”The piece of paper went on to say where it had gone to (though I
couldn’t tell you because it’s secret).But it commanded the six thousand people to go to Wales also and
find their Ugly Building. Now when they arrived in Wales they had to
go up into the mountains.Having
walked half way up a long and desolate valley without even a road up it,
they suddenly saw their Ugly Building standing all alone, glistening
horribly in the sun in a setting of grim black rocks and heather. Now one end of this valley led straight
down to the sea and at the other end, high up in the mountains was a
colossal reservoir.A
reservoir, you know, is a lake made by building a huge wall in a valley
and stopping up the flow of a river so that all the water collects
behind the wall.The
reservoirs in Wales are mostly used for supplying water to the towns for
miles around.But the Ugly
Building had been put just beneath this reservoir for a very special
purpose.You see the
building was full of secret papers and it was immensely important that
the enemy should on no account get hold of them.So the people who looked after the building thought of a clever
plan.‘If ever the enemy
comes dangerously near the building’, they said to themselves, ‘we
could simply make a hole in the wall holding up the waters of the
reservoir and millions and millions of tons of water in a great wave
will sweep the building with all its secret papers into the sea’.
Now they thought this out very carefully and they arranged that
when the danger signal was given someone in this building would just
have to press an electric button and the whole wall of the reservoir
would blow up.So they put
a special man in a special room with nothing to do but sit by the
electric button all day, waiting to press it if ever he should be told
to do so. Days and days and months and months went by and of course as you
know, the enemy never landed in Wales or came anywhere near it and the
man who was sitting by the electric button got very, very bored.
He just sat and gazed
at the button day after day and no-one came near him. Eventually the
button seemed to him to become almost alive.He began talking to it, but after a while he discovered that the
button wasn’t a tall friendly.In
fact it was most quarrelsome.It
seemed to start out of the wall towards him.Then it made rude faces; it taunted him, teased him, laughed at
him and finally sneered at him saying he was an idle coward and that he
ought to be fighting in the war instead of sitting there day after day
doing nothing.At last the button said that he was afraid to fight. Now the man by the button had fought in the
last war.He had fought
extremely bravely and lost an arm and won a whole row of medals which he
wore on his chest.So when
the button told him he was a coward, he could stand it no longer and
with his one remaining arm he hit the button as hard as he could on the
end of the nose. Far up the valley a colossal explosion
echoed through the mountains.Running
to their windows the six thousand workers saw a vast wave of water
seeping down the hill towards them.The alarm bells rang furiously in all the passages.They knew what it meant.Leaving
their papers on their tables they all scrambled out of the Building and
ran as fast as they could up the side of the mountain.They were only just in time to save themselves; for pouring down
the valley came the great wave of water.They saw it crash against the Building, which immediately broke
up into a million fragments.They
saw a few papers floating on top of the water and when the sun went down
the Ugly Building and everything in it was resting safely at the bottom
of the sea several miles from the coast.Of all the six thousand workers only one was missing and that was
the Man who sat by the button. Within a few weeks five thousand, nine hundred and ninety
nine workers were safely back at work on the opposite side of the
Beautiful Square in London in which they had been before, and when they
looked out of their windows they could see the big water tank on the
other side of the Square and they blessed the Brave Man who sat by the
button.” When the Hedgehog’s story was finished
someone asked, “But if the Man who sat by the button wasn’t saved
how did anyone know that it was he who caused the explosion?” The hedgehog looked annoyed as if it
were a particularly idiotic question.“They didn’t” he
snapped
.